Macleans: Couch Boys
Maclean's columnist Scott Feschuk and political strategist Scott Reid prognosticate the NFL to best of their limited abilities.
- Cue the Stigmata!
Scott Feschuk
Last week: 5-11
Season: 83-83-10
Scott Reid
Last week: 7-9
Season: 72-94-10
Time for the Week 13 picks...
Seattle (plus 3) at Philadelphia
SR: Battle of the snot green uniforms. Like a fight between cabbage and broccoli – except none of it’s good for you. Andy Reid (no relation) has confirmed that if he’s healthy, McNabb will play. But really, who cares? They’re 50/50 when he plays and 50/50 when he doesn’t – although that’s largely thanks to Garcia’s efforts last season. The real guy to watch is Westbrook. If he gains 100 yards or more, Philly wins. If he doesn’t, they don’t. I think he will. Pick: Philly.
SF: I’ve noticed that as your record gets worse and worse, you keep adding more and more legitimate analysis to your picks. You actually sound smart some times. By the end of the year you may qualify for a Doctorate of Wrongness. Pick: Seattle.
Atlanta (plus 3.5) at St. Louis
SF: Sure, this is a nothing game a between two disappointing teams and anyone masochistic enough to watch it qualifies for their own reality show and forced sterilization – but history will be made when Gus Frerotte plays quarterback for the second time in just four days, after wearing that Brett Favre mask throughout the first half in Dallas on Thursday night. Very convincing, Gus, but the real Brett doesn’t throw harebrained deep balls and giftwrapped interceptions like that any more. Pick: Atlanta.
SR: Right you are. And this time, Gus Frerotte has gone too far. Fumbling goal-line snaps for St. Louis is one thing but sullying the reputation of an all-time great like Brett Favre is something else altogether. Frerotte must be stopped. But first, we need him to lead us to wherever he’s keeping the real Brett. Tied to a barcalounger, being forced to watch tape of Ryan Leaf and Ty Detmer, no doubt. Call the cast of Criminal Minds! We’ve got to get to Brett before he forgets how to run the two-minute drill. Pick: St. Louis
San Francisco (plus 3) at Carolina
SR: Dilfer, after ten years of posing as a birchbark canoe, suddenly sprang to life and threw the ball with purpose last week. Even more remarkably, he threw it to people on his own team. The difference was almost immediately obvious. The team gained yards. Touchdowns were scored. And – good God, I could hardly believe my eyes – they actually won the game. Having ironed out this whole coaching hiccup of clarifying which team’s players to target, San Francisco is a team resurgent. On the other side of the ball, the Panthers quarterback carousel is now competing with “Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader” for the least watchable thing on planet Earth. Vinny? Carr? Is Frank Reich still alive? Pick: SF.
SF: The only remotely entertaining aspect of this game is imagining Jeff George in front of his television, cursing like mad and muttering, “If only the Panthers would give me a chance, I’d show them. I’D SHOW THEM ALL!!!!!” Pick: Carolina.
Buffalo (plus 5.5) at Washington
SF: Just an awful blow to the Redskins this week, and a sad story, and anyone who claims to know how Washington will react on the field is fooling themselves. Picking for an office pool or whatever is one thing but it would actually feel kinda creepy to put real money on this game, wouldn’t it? It could wind up being one of the worst karmic decisions this side of stealing the Dalai Lama’s parking spot or touching Lindsay Lohan “down there.” Pick: Buffalo.
SR: What does the Dalai Lama drive? I suppose it should be an energy efficient Prius or Smart Car but somehow, I see him barreling around in an El Camino – a spiritual blend of half-ton and hot rod. Sean Taylor’s death is a terrible tragedy. And no small mystery, either. It has been fascinating listening to people talk this week about how he had been ‘turning his life around’ recently but being reluctant to say what he was turning it around from. Sadly, it’s hard to imagine that this was simply a home invasion. Still, I agree with you: It’s impossible to know how a team will react to news of this sort. But it’s hard for me to imagine that it will be used as an inspiration to play football better. That seems kind of small in the face of this event. Pick: Buffalo
Tampa Bay (plus 3) at New Orleans
SR: Garcia has a deep bruise in his back. Brees has a deep bruise in his talent. At least Garcia’s back will heal. Expect to see the Tampa defense chase Reggie Bush around the field the way the Christopher Columbus’s crew chased Bugs Bunny after 40 days without sight of land. Somehow, I don’t think Reggie will be quite as resourceful. Although I bet he could throw a baseball around the world. Pick: Tampa Bay.
SF: You never know which Saints team will show up: the one that sucks this season or the one that sucks just slightly less this season. Pick: Tampa.
Detroit (plus 3.5) at Minnesota
SF: Where’s your messiah now, Kitna?! The Lions have lost three straight and Jon Kitna is rapidly going from “I promise a 10-win season” to “Sure I’m free to help you move that sofabed the first Sunday in January.” To put Detroit’s plight in Biblical terms, the Lions are Egypt and reality is the Ten Plagues. The river’s turned to blood. The livestock’s dead. And what’s that there on the horizon? Are those… locusts? Pick: Minnesota.
SR: Has Kitna made a statue of Mary cry? Has he healed the lame? Has he convinced Mike Martz to take it easy on the hair product? No. No he hasn’t. So I’ve never bought into the ‘miracle’ theory of Detroit. I’ve bought more into the ‘lame-ass schedule and a couple breaks’ theory of Detroit. You wanna know what’s miraculous? The way Minnesota won without Adrian Peterson. Now THAT was a miracle. And now he’s back. Pick: Minnesota
Cleveland (plus 1) at Arizona
SR: Romeo. Seriously, the dude’s name is Romeo. Which means two things: First, don’t fall in love with him. Second, it will end badly for him. I, for one, definitely see an apothecary in Cleveland’s future. I think their run is just about up. Arizona is on a roll, always tough at home and their coach’s name is “Ken”. Look it up, you will not find any of Shakespeare’s tragedies headed up by a “Ken”. Arizona’s running game has picked up recently. Expect it to take over the game Sunday. Pick: Arizona.
SF: I fear for the integrity of th